Sunday, July 03, 2011

benchmarks

I have these ideas of time. I work out a balance in my head of easy/ hard, good/ bad, desireable/ less desireable and then I work out how I can few time in relationship. I think everyone does this. When we first came back to the states, I went shopping and decided I could buy the big shampoo and the big conditioner. I had long hair and we were in the states until April. No problem. I can definitely use that. I did that with lots of things. Whole wheat flour (buy the 10 lb bag), spices (go ahead and buy the big one). Around Christmas I started to have a bit more hesitancy. I was thinking that maybe the smaller size was a better choice for things we couldn't bring back to Asia. So I started buying the 5lb bag of flour and not replacing spices that didn't really seem as necessary. So we lived that way until March. Kind of wondering, living on hold.

We made a plan to take @ out of school at the end of March when the school let out for spring break. We scheduled a last round of visits in April. We started packing things we didn't feel as necessary. I bought some of the things we wanted to take back with us. As the end of March approached, we had heard nothing about our return to Asia, we decided it was better to keep @ in school for consistency. I had to rethink the buying of the big shampoo again. We made a few tentative appointments for May. I decided the week of the Spring Carnival that I could volunteer for a post. I told the lady at church that I could bring meals for families in May. We packed a bit more. Winter clothes could go to goodwill.

June approached. We still had nothing in the way of a timeline. We packed up my dishes, our pictures; less of the "us-ness" in the house we're borrowing. We realized there are a few odds and end things we haven't done in the states. Our brother and sister said "come stay in our beach cottage" Sounded good, we didn't have another plan. So we went and had a lovely holiday. We signed @ up for the book club at the library. We made plans to see a few friends and go around to family reunions. But still, we couldn't make plans for the 4th of July. Surely we'd have something. Jon's aunt asked us to come to FL with her family in late July, we had to beg off. We had to believe that we would be back in Asia by that time.

I ran out of salsa earlier this week. I decided that if I bought the big jar of expensive salsa, maybe our visas would come through just to spite my frivolous excess. I also decided to make a big jar of coffee concentrate, I'm experiencing an iced coffee revival.

Last night I sat and watched fireworks with friends. It was a lovely evening. They put on quite a show (Indiana has great firework laws). But underlying the whole thing is the feeling that I shouldn't be here.

I think for this 4th of July I'll sit and watch fireworks with my expensive salsa and iced coffee.

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